The Help Republicans Vote Act
Date: Monday, June 05 @ 10:14:11 EDT
I don't mind saying I'm one of those left-wing wackos who gives a rip about the veracity of our electoral process. Yep. I'm just that insane. I'm clearly a moonbat! I'm simultaneously from the moon and bat-shaped.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s latest investigative report in Rolling Stone, along with Mark Crispin Miller's Fooled Again have jointly renewed a process of legitimizing skepticism over the presidential election results in 2000, 2002, and 2004.
What's so horribly wrong with examining the results of an election and finding evidence of fraud -- electronic manipulation or other forms of chicanery? And how does that qualify anyone as loony, be they Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Senator Boxer, Congressman Conyers, Randi Rhodes, Thom Hartmann, or Mark Crispin Miller? Hell, it's not like they're expecting you to believe that Hillary Clinton had Vince Foster whacked, or that American G.I.s executed Nazi SS soldiers at Malmedy in 1944 (the exact opposite happened, O'Reilly).
We're just saying, Hey! Our basic democratic right to vote is being undermined by corporate and political criminals, and here's how.
When the 2000 election was in dispute, this concern was voiced by everyone. The Bush campaign carried their obviously moonbat-ish conspiracy theories all the way to the Supreme Court in 2000 and had scores of lawyers and operatives on the ground in 2004 declaring Democratic fraud. Moonbats.
Don't worry. I'm not going to spend inches here enumerating the specifics of what happened. Instead, read Kennedy's investigative report here. Seriously. Read it and admit to yourself: if the evidence summarized by Kennedy had come from an election in, say, Iraq or the Ukraine, you'd draw the obvious conclusion that foul play had swung an election against the true will of the people and an electoral coup had taken place. You know you would. In fact, it actually happened in the Ukraine in 2004 -- with the extra-moonbat-esque use of disfiguring poisons.
We don't poison candidates. Yet.
We do a lot of other things, though. But instead of reiterating the list, I'd like to propose new legislation. I call it the Help Republicans Vote Act. Like the laughable Help America Vote Act I've given it a deceptive name. It doesn't actually help Republicans vote. Here are the provisions of the bill...
1) Every wealthy Republican who hires illegal immigrants shall be stripped of his or her voting rights. This includes rich people who have similar names to said rich people.
2) Secretaries of state will be required to mandate their county boards of election that only one voting booth be available per Republican-dominant precinct. The booth will be moved from the usual polling places to street corners in a black or Latino urban neighborhoods.
3) One in every ten ballots will be displayed/printed in French and peppered with gay slang terms like "whitewash the back 40" and "kneeling at the altar". But in each election, ballots will include an initiative banning the French/gay slang ballots. So one in ten Republican voters will have to look at gay slang phrases and words in the French language in order to ban something that's both French and contains gay slang.
4) Touch screen voting machines will be owned and operated by George Soros.
5) Republican secretaries of state who double as Republican campaign chairs in swing states will be replaced by a member of The Flaming Lips or The Dixie Chicks.
6) The only mainstream media reporter who can call the winner of an election is Keith Olbermann.
7) Voter registrations from predominantly southern and midwestern Christian conservative districts will be considered invalid if they're not filed via a Blue Tooth touch screen inside a Toyota Prius.
Once all these measures are enacted and the election results are invariably tallied in favor of Democrats across the nation, we'll see which moonbats call for sweeping election reforms and investigations of the results.
The overall point being that this is an issue which ought to cross party lines. Like strengthening the executive branch or allowing preemptive war, we set a dangerous precedent for both sides of the political aisle by allowing this to continue without real accountability.
Fraud employed by Republicans today might be employed by Democrats tomorrow. Along the same line, we're all intellectually honest enough to agree that the validity of our democratic process is something that far outweighs the parties and individuals we might support or oppose. It just so happens that the most recent evidence of widespread and multifaceted election fraud in the history of our nation points to the victors of 2000, 2002, and 2004.
America is now in the business of exporting democracy to other nations -- so let's act the part. There was a time when we could get away with disgusting episodes like the Corrupt Bargain, or stealing elections "fair and square", or quaint slogans like "vote early and often". But we shouldn't be comfortable with all new examples of our inability to conduct fair, honest, and open elections in a world in which we're supposed to be setting an example; a world in which information revealing our hypocrisy travels at the speed of light.
So if you don't want to get behind the very simple task of truly investigating allegations of fraud in the last several elections (hell, some Democrats might go down in the process, too), or preventing private corporations from influencing our vote then either you don't care about our Constitution or you'd be cool with passing my Help Republicans Vote Act.
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